and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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