I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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