just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
