Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
