theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
