Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had to cum in my sink.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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