I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
