trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
