Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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