Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
