Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
