Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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