I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
