There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Randomize
