in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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