We need to rekindle our bromance
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
