he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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