I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Your cock deserves a montage
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
