We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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