Three words: puerto rican gang bang
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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