It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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