pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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