Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
