Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
