I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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