when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
