I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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