I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
