Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
