I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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