I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
