Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
