Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
