That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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