Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
