sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
