So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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