I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
