I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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