if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
PANTIES FOUND
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
