Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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