just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
