Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
