We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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