So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
