im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
