They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
