i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
