I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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