I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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