I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
