You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize