Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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