This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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