Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
