we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
