I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
