Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
