too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
